Joke Of The Day
#241
Posted 18 November 2009 - 10:57 PM
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!".
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”
#242
Posted 08 December 2009 - 09:54 AM
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2008
RE: "Generic Holiday Party"
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Patty
Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
If you love the Elise, drive a Se7en - Caterham or whatever...
It has even less content than the Elise, is less graceful looking
...and changes direction like a ping pong ball whacked by Thor.
#243
Posted 08 December 2009 - 11:46 AM
#244
Posted 10 December 2009 - 07:34 AM
Newfoundland police pursuit
Noticed this link to the side of the same page. It's old but still VERY funny!
Stumbling model
If you love the Elise, drive a Se7en - Caterham or whatever...
It has even less content than the Elise, is less graceful looking
...and changes direction like a ping pong ball whacked by Thor.
#245
Posted 10 December 2009 - 09:46 AM
Still funny!!
#246
Posted 10 December 2009 - 10:58 AM
One night while on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes Watson. "Look up, Watson, what do you deduce?"
Watson thinks for a minute. "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us. So, I deduce that there is life on other planets."
Sherlock responds, "No, you idiot, someone's stolen our tent!"
#247
Posted 15 December 2009 - 06:55 PM
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
#248
Posted 15 December 2009 - 08:07 PM
Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she'll settle for nothing less.
#249
Posted 15 December 2009 - 09:22 PM
#250
Posted 15 December 2009 - 11:18 PM
Still funny!!
Kal Tire or something like that. Winter tire sale.
#251
Posted 08 July 2010 - 09:32 AM
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now…
If you love the Elise, drive a Se7en - Caterham or whatever...
It has even less content than the Elise, is less graceful looking
...and changes direction like a ping pong ball whacked by Thor.
#252
Posted 16 September 2010 - 09:01 AM
I thought this after seeing a car, and I giggled to myself, because I'm a super mature adult, yeah.
Joke:
*Looking at any well done Asian styled late model Toyota* Oh wow, that's so JDM it shits TRD's!
etmydst - ""...and since he was the hardest gangster in all of stockton they were to scared to go in his house so they drove by and said "slow down forest"..."
My Vouch Thread
#253
Posted 18 May 2011 - 03:19 PM
I received this today, titled "quote of the day'
Bullshit!
This is the quote of the YEAR:
"Thanking Obama for the death of Bin Laden is like thanking Ronald McDonald when you get an extra cheeseburger in your bag. It’s the guy at the counter you should thank, not the clown in the picture."
If you love the Elise, drive a Se7en - Caterham or whatever...
It has even less content than the Elise, is less graceful looking
...and changes direction like a ping pong ball whacked by Thor.