252 replies to this topic

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

ok ok even more gross!!!! and everyone forgive me for this one hahahahahahaha but I've been telling this one for years hahahahaha




This man pulls up in his Volkswagen beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a huge brown paper bag of candy and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a candy, will you come in my car?"

To which the kid replies, "Gimme the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth mister!"

[hawk86]

thats sick

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

i agree.....


but should i remove it?



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In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?".

The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked."
So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.

At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?".

To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

[hawk86]

naw unless there are members under the age of 13 here

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

hmmmmm..... good point, but is it offensive you think? I mean offensive like "i'm going to leave the website or bitch till it's removed" offensive?





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A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?"
Long pause... "Uh .... is this 221-1811?"

[hawk86]

hmmmmm..... good point, but is it offensive you think? I mean offensive like "i'm going to leave the website or bitch till it's removed" offensive?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

im thinkin bitch till its removed
do you have an idea on how many kids are on this site like under the age of 16 i was just wondering if you knew.

im fine with jokes and gross stuff and everyones oppionins but i dont want my little bro to log on as me "he does just to look at pics of crx's" and see some things like that you know?

Edited by hawk86, 14 July 2006 - 10:42 AM.

[JeepGirl]

ok ok even more gross!!!! and everyone forgive me for this one hahahahahahaha but I've been telling this one for years hahahahaha
This man pulls up in his Volkswagen beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a huge brown paper bag of candy and says, "Hey kid, if I give you a candy, will you come in my car?"

To which the kid replies, "Gimme the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth mister!"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

thats about as tastless as this picture....

[jsgprod]

Fresh from the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes out with the suggestion.
“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day, take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks. “They will grow larger over a period of years.“ her husband replies.

Then she stopped and asks. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”
Without missing a beat he says;






“Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”


He’s still alive and with a great deal of physical therapy,
he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man.

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

^^^^^^^^


hahahahahahahahaha now that was classic hahahahahaha



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Three factory workers were needling a shy co-worker who just returned from his honeymoon.

They each bragged about how many times they'd had sex on their honeymoon.

One said five times, another said seven and a real mach jock claimed he'd done it ten times. Punching the shy guy in the chest, he demanded to know how many times he did it.

Blushing and hesitant he answered, "We only did it once. My wife wasn't used to it."

[JEFFtheJ00la]

holy shit that was great!!!!!




i liked the one bout the toilet paper, lol

[sindrlla]

On the topic of Taks joke......I P.M.'d him with my dissaproval and he responded....
Tak - The funny thing is that as humor (though twisted as it may be) we shouldn't take offence to it. We can maybe disapprove it, but not get offended since it is not a personal attack that was and or is a malicious attempt at our personal belief system.

and he's right...and that is why we should forgive him and shouldn't stop being his friend...but...I believe that people joke about certain things because thay make us uncomfortable. I'm just afraid that eventually the humor will win out over comfort and that one day the subject will be acceptable as a practice.

********
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!" says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
*********

IMO I think you all should go back and edit/add a joke to your posts.....

P.S.jsgprod - that's funny

[sindrlla]

What''s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.

***********

A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”

So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”

She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife.

“Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”
**********

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."

A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike… and the Coopers are screwing."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

*************

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

************

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

************

[ChrisF-dude]

Two guys are drinkin at the bar. One say's to the other, "Well, better get home before it gets late. Don't want to get in trouble again."
Stunned, the 2nd man asks, "You get in trouble for being out?"
The first man responds, "Everytime I turn off my lights and coast into the driveway, gently open the door, wash up in the downstairs bathroom, sneak up the stairs, and slowly slide into bed when she wakes up screaming at me for being out so late.
The second man nods, stating, "You're taking the wrong approach buddy. When I come home, I come screeching into the driveway, slam the door, march upstairs, get washed up with the bathroom door open, jump into the bed, slap my wife's ass and ask 'Are you as horny as I am?' She always pretends to be sound asleep."


Two guys are in a park playing frisbee with their dogs on a hot day. One says to the other "I'm parched, let's get a drink"
Second guy responds "No one will let us in with our dogs"
"Follow me" quips the first, putting his sunglasses on.
He walks into a bar. The bartender yells "Hey, no mutts in here!"
"But, it's my seeing eye dog" the man says. The bartender bound by law, lets him in.

Now the second man walks in wearing his sunglasses and walking his dog.
Again, bartender yells "No mutts in my bar!"
"It's my seeing eye dog" says the second man.
"A shitzu is a seeing eye dog?" asks the bartender.
"What?! They gave me a shitzu?!"

[ChrisF-dude]

This one I heard Ronald Reagan telling on Sirius;

A guy from the city decides to take a nice leisure drive thru the country. Driving down he road looks to his left to see a three legged chicken running beside his car. He looks at his dash and he's doing 55mph. Then the chicken clucks and accelerates past him. Stunned, the city guy pulls up to a farmer repairing a fence a lttle ways down the road. The city guy asks, "hey, did you see a three legged chicked go by?"
"Well, yes, that was my chicken" answered the farmer.
"How did you get a three legged chicken" wondered the city guy.
"I bred him that way"
"Why" asks he city guy
"At dinner my wife, son and myself always fight over the drumsticks, so I bred a chicken with three legs so we could each have one" says the farmer.
"Well, how do they taste?" asks the city guy
"Dunno. Haven't been able to catch him yet" responds the farmer.
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A boy gets a note from his girlfriend saying she wants him to come over for dinner, meet her parents, then she'll make love to him for the first time after they go out. The boy, a virgin, gets all excited. He goes to the pharmacy to buy some condoms. Standing there for a while, the pharmacist asks him if he needs any help.
"Yes" says the boy, " I have a date tonight, and will be having sex for the first time at the end of the date"
"Okay. Well, what kind of condom do you want?" asks the pharmacist.
"I guess the ribbed ones, for her pleasure" gloats the boy.
"Alright, now do you want the 3 pack, 12 pack or 24 pack"
"Give me the 24 pack. Since it's our first time, I'm sure we'll have lots of sex" says the boy.
So, the boy pays for the condoms and leaves. Later that night he knocks on his girlfriend's parent's door. His girlfriend answers the door, and raises her eyebrows to him in anticipation of the night ahead. She walks him into the dining room, where her parents are seated and waiting. The boy sits down and immediatly starts praying before his meal with his head down. A minute goes by. Then 5, then 10. The girl leans over and whispers to him, "I had no idea you were so religious."

He responds, " I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[sindrlla]

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

**********

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

**********

What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?

A cock that stays up all night!