252 replies to this topic

[jjamiemmark]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she
belonged
> to someone else...
>
>
> One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,
"I'll
> give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."
>
>
> The girl said, " NO."
>
>
>
>
>
> Johnny said, "I'll be fast,
I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend
> down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up"
>
>
> She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult
her
> boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story
>
>
> The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money very
fast.
> He won't even be able to get his pants down."
>
>
> She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the
> boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes
> the boyfriend called and asked what happened......
>
>
>
>
>
> She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
>
>
>
>
>
> Management Lesson #1: Always consider a business proposal in it's
entirety
> before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[crxls]

  > Management Lesson #1: Always consider a business    proposal in it's
  entirety
  > before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

aint that the fucking truth!

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50
dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly,I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Morris replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[sindrlla]

Dear Abby,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big
fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time the asshole will buy me a diamond.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Boston

[sindrlla]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants
me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell
you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[sindrlla]

You all aren't posting anything.....so I'll postwhore a bit in the allowed section and hopefully youall will get a kick!

Voted Best Irish Joke

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending
the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of
the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the
Best
toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting
in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies
on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won
the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he
fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."

[sindrlla]

7 Types of Sex

I ----- SOCIAL SECURITY

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"



II ----- LOUD

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,

"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"



III ----- QUIET

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking,

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She looked at him casually and replied,

"You're never home!"



IV ----- CONFOUNDED

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".



V ------ WEDDING ANNIVERSARY

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband -Stiff At Last.' "



VI --- NO

My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.



VII ---- OLD

One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr. old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment...killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on a charge of murder.The judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.

She began coolly, "Yes, your honor . I figured that at 92, if he could have sex..... he could fly.

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at "makeout point." Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young
man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

"Excuse me, son" said the cop, "but how old are the two of you?"

"I'm eighteen, sir, and" (checking his watch another time) "in ten more minutes, she'll be eighteen too!"

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Sam," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Sam is dead!"

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...". The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says.

"Are you sure you can afford that... It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room... there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it... three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong... "Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey... you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"

"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.

She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

[sindrlla]

Something a lil calmer...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

[IfTakumiDroveACRX]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

[sindrlla]

You all will get a kick outta this....

Assembly Required

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler."