252 replies to this topic

[firstgencrx]

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!".

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.”

[jsgprod]

Seeing as it's the season....


Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty


Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 4, 2008
RE: "Generic Holiday Party"

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: December 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Patty


Company Memo
________________________________________
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Joan

[firstgencrx]

That was fantastic! I loved it.

[jsgprod]

I honestly can't believe this is a video form a 'real' police chase....still funny though.

Newfoundland police pursuit

Noticed this link to the side of the same page. It's old but still VERY funny!

Stumbling model

[RETROCRX]

Jay the first one is a commercial here....can't remember what it's for though.

Still funny!!

[pvbcrx]

I resurrected this one in honor of the new "Sherlock Holmes" movie -

One night while on a camping trip, Sherlock Holmes wakes Watson. "Look up, Watson, what do you deduce?"

Watson thinks for a minute. "Well, I see millions of stars, many of which resemble our sun, which most likely have their own planets, which most likely have life-forms like us. So, I deduce that there is life on other planets."

Sherlock responds, "No, you idiot, someone's stolen our tent!"

[Super_Cricket]

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough, since women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[ChrisF-dude]

Merry Christmas

[kaymo]

heard that song in concert. weird al is the shizzzzz!!

[EuphoricBlue]

Jay the first one is a commercial here....can't remember what it's for though.

Still funny!!

Kal Tire or something like that. Winter tire sale.

[jsgprod]

Our teacher asked us what was our favorite animal and I said "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else in the class laughed.


My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed and told me not to do it again.



I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.



I told her, "Colonel Sanders."






Guess where I am now…

[Xipher]

n-n-n-necropost!

I thought this after seeing a car, and I giggled to myself, because I'm a super mature adult, yeah.

Joke:

*Looking at any well done Asian styled late model Toyota* Oh wow, that's so JDM it shits TRD's!

[jsgprod]

WOW, this has been dead a while.

I received this today, titled "quote of the day'

Bullshit!

This is the quote of the YEAR:

"Thanking Obama for the death of Bin Laden is like thanking Ronald McDonald when you get an extra cheeseburger in your bag. It’s the guy at the counter you should thank, not the clown in the picture."